Your Weekend Horoscopes May 19 -2 1: Black Out All Weekend& Blame It On Your Sign

The weather is finally heating up this weekend, which could mean fun things like day drinking outside, tanning, and pretending to go swimming while actually only working on your tan some more. Or, it could entail less pleasant things such as sweating like a grease monkey and standing at the infernal metro platform for 20 minutes while your makeup meltings off your face because the fucking MTA can’t get their shit together and likes stranding the entire commuting population of Queens for athletic* shakes fist* Oh sorry, was that just me? K. Well while the stars can’t predict how public transportation will decide to purposefully ruin your life, they predict when you should take a vacation, how to deal with people who annoy you( non-MTA employees ), that sort of thing. So read on for your weekend horoscopes while I pop a Xanax and deal with my indignation issues.

Aries

Its time for some real talk, Aries. There comes a time in every betchs life where we must learn to manage being on our own. Its not an overnight thing, but its definitely something you should have figured out by now. Friends are great, and obviously you should be spending time with them, but its time to recognize the line between hanging out and necessitating my friends to accompany me in the most menial of tasks. Youre leaning significantly towards the latter, and your friends are starting to notification. This weekend, try asserting your independence by operating all of your errands solo. Hell, go get a snack by yourself. Just wait, you may end up loving your newfound independence.

Taurus

Listen up, Taurus. Its time to make a change. You are so clearly unhappy in your current situation and it instance it wasnt clear enough, you have no problem letting everyone know. Yeah, shit is unfair and life is awful, but the only person who can do anything about it is you. This weekend, start taking the steps towards a life that doesnt make you want to die on a daily basis. Your friends and family are behind you 100%, mostly since they are dont want to listen to you bitch for the rest of their lives. Get out there and constructs moves, Taurus. Win or lose, at least you actually did something.

Gemini

Youre a good friend, you know that, Gemini? Sure, the rest of the world is currently considering you the two faced serpent of astrology, but those with Geminis in their own lives know the truth: Youre ride or succumb, and your friends appreciate it more than you are familiar with. This weekend, revel in that with some pure, unadulterated girl period. Saturday is for talking shit on the boys who guess Saturday is for the boys. Sunday is for a good old fashioned basic drunk brunch. Dont let anyone rain on your parade this weekend. But even if they do, it wont matter, because youll be having more fun than any of them.

Cancer

This is the weekend you reclaim your space, Cancer. Youve spent the last couple weeks budging on things, stimulating room for people who dont deserve it. While that kind of leniency can be generous from time to time, right now its only toxic and detrimental to your happiness. You got to cut it. Spend the next two days taking back what is yours, either literally or metaphorically. Dont let anyone stand in the way of what you want and require. Come Sunday, youll be feeling tired but content, which coincidentally is the perfect mindset for napping the working day. Dont fight it.

Leo

Life is all about moderation, Leo. LOL JK. This isnt fucking. This weekend, its period for you to consume anything and everything you like. Whatever your vice is, you have a two-day pass to simply drowned in it. Please dont, like, literally drown in heroin and then send the police to our offices. But also feel free to let your freak flag fly a bit. Life is short and stressful and America is crumbling so perhaps its time to see how many mojitos you are able to drink in one day. If anyone questions your three-day hangover at work next week, just open up the front page of the and let them come to their own conclusions.

Virgo

As Im sure you noticed lately, Virgo, America is burning. Its rough, but the worst part is the constant influx of news from every corner of social media. Life is overwhelming enough without waking up to 16 notifications about the UK laughing at Trump and Anthony Weiner going to jail. This weekend, do yourself a favor and just turn everything off. Go off the grid. Assure how it feels to have no ties to your digital life, even if its just for 24 hours. Youll either come back relaxed and with a new perspective on social media, or outrageously anxious about the amount of Instagrams you have to scroll through to catch up. Either style, at least youll know prove every Baby Boomer you are familiar with wrong by detaching yourself from your phone for longer than a minute. Dont budge on the avocado toast, though. None of us are going to live long enough to buy homes anyway.

Libra

You are kicking ass rn, Libra. It is genuinely inspiring, albeit somewhat obnoxious. After months of hard work, youre inches from the finish line. While it would be easy to let loose now, wait it out. Fucking up your lifelong work two days before its complete is a quarter-life crisis move, but youre better than that. This weekend, take some time to prep for your final stretching, and then a little more time to scheme your galas for afterwards. Drowning your responsibilities in vodka will be so much more fun once youve actually achieved them.

Scorpio

Youve got a big week coming up, Scorpio. As every planning betch knows, shit can get incredibly stressful the week of an event. But fear not, we have some sage advice. First and foremost, stay focused and keep your head on straight-out. There will unavoidably be 100 obstacles that pop up in the next few days, but youre more than capable of navigating them. But when composure fails, Plan B is foolproof: Xanax. Theres no kind of pacifies like a medicated calm, and if you dont believe me ask literally any housewife ever. Steady planning and an even steadier render of downers will get you to your finishing line no problem. Just make sure you actually look alive and alert the working day of.

Sagittarius

Guess what, Sagittarius? This is a weekend for abandoning responsibility. I realize this sounds much like every other weekend of your life, but this weekend the stars are demanding it so who are you to argue, really? The sun is out. Life is only partially miserable. Trump will probably be golfing for the next few days. Its the perfect time to get out and let loose. Start by leaving work at 2:00 today for a jump start on happy hour. Its cool, I called your boss and shes game. Dont stop until your body physically cant go on any longer, and then wake up tomorrow and do it again.

Capricorn

Next weekend is a time of reunions, Capricorn, which means this weekend is a time of chilling the fuck out. Ensure old friends can be exhaust, so do whatever you have to do this weekend to make sure youre fully charged for the debacle. If this entails sleeping the entire day, we salute you. If youre one of those people who exercises to get Zen, I will not salute you but still support your options. However you choose to spend the next two days is your call, only make sure its as relaxing as is practicable. Youll need it, trust us.

Aquarius

We have one word for you, Aquarius: cold. Youve been non-stop for the past few weeks, and your friends are honestly had begun to get concerned. Is it because youre more active now than theyve ever seen you be in your many years of friendship? Likely, but the ever-present manic look in your eyes isnt helping matters. Try to use the next two days to calm the fucking down and center yourself. Yoga, weed, six bottles of winewhatever it takes, do it. You can return to crazy eyes next week, but try and just relax until then. For the love of God, please.

Pisces

This is a weekend for getting back to basics, Pisces. We know its hard being as social as you are, but youve been neglecting some people in your life who really deserve your attention. Were talking your day ones here. Try and induce the next two days a marathon of good old fashioned friendship with the people who knew you before you figured out how to exert and do your hair. They miss you, and whether or not you realize it, you miss them, too. Sometimes it can be nice to kick back without any affectation, so perhaps try it out and see how it feels. Your social circle can last without you for one weekend, we promise.

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