The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 3 Component 1

Could last nights episode of have BEEN any funnier? Chad is the ultimate contestant, both bully and bachelor-oracle, he resulted this episode from start to riling inconclusive finish. For the first time in a really long time did I feel genuinely frustrated that I cant ensure whats to come next week. Will Chad apologize to Evan( no) or will he merely stab him with his deli meat knife( YASSS )? I frankly didnt even care about JoJos presence last night, even though shes like the cutest person ever( no homo ). All I cared about was Chad feeing a yam whole.

DATE WITH CHASE

The episode opens up with a messy mansion that Chris Harrison definitely did not clean up.
Bachelor dudes on Chads deli meats scattered all over the mansion: CHAD.GET IT TOGETHER CHAD!

Chase gets the first date tonight and he and JoJo go to a fake yoga studio. ABC def picked a super flexible homeless girl off the street and were like Cue: very loud hollering on the mat and the 40 min straddling sesh.

The yoga eye contact thing was actually pretty hot I wonder why weve never done this move IN ANY OF MY YOGA CLASSES BEFORE.

Just call him Chase QuickBoner.

Chase : As difficult as yoga is Im loving itmaybe because THAT’S NOT YOGA!

JoJo: Today was so great. You were so great, and sooo promoting when I was straddling you in public!

Chase : How can I make sure you don’t forget the moment we had?
Jojo: I’ll never forget it.


I devote it 2 episodes.

Well, it wouldn’t be a first date without a private concert.

Unfortunately ABC could only afford one of the Ladies of Antebellum.

Its funny how the date always knows who the performer is almost as if ABC didnt merely whisper it to them right before the interview. “OMG its that amazing pianist from Kazakhstan I only love his run!

GROUP DATE( aka best date ever)

Chad: I dont wanna go with 12 guys. Thats too many guys.
Apparently no one explained to Chad before he came on the show.

Jordan : You guess she would want to spend the whole day with you?
Chad : Of course

Then Chad let out everything he was holding out. To Jordan: Youre a 27 -year-old failed football player; you’ve done nothing but throw a piece of leather
To Alex: You’re a 25 -year-old midget
LET IT OUT CHAD PUT IT IN THE BURN BOOK.

Alex then goes off on chad:
Chad: Youre an angry little elf!

Alex : Im aroused to go on this date. Its ten guys, a douchebag, and myself. Alex apparently does not identify as douchebag or male.

The date activity begins all the guys are exceedingly shocked that this woman is talking about sexuality!

But actually what is this, the vagina monologues?

Grant goes first and everyone is hysterically laughter, but not at his jokes. Instead theyre laughing at his EXTREMELY tight pants through which everyone could see his grundle.

Daniel goes and says something that doesnt disturb us at all:

Then he goes on 😛 TAGEND

Then Ex-pastor/ ED Evan goes on talks about erectile dysfunction for steroid users. Thinks of himself as hysterical even though that narrative had nothing to do with his own sexuality life. Probably because his sex life consists of hiring male prostitutes.

WHY ARE EVERYONE’S PANTS AND SHIRTS SO TIGHT

Obviously Evans little steroid rant got wittle Chad all hyped up because he rent his shirt.

Evan: You rent my shirt. I want my pink shirt back!
Chad punches a wall, says, then denies taking steroids as his veins are popping out on my Tv screen like the fucking Ring.

But then after all of this crazy shit goes down, Chad speaks major truth by saying that Evan is a bully who is super preoccupied with him. And its SOO true.

Why you so obsessed with me? Chad

Honestly it makes a lot of sense. If Evan is gay( ex-pastor turned penis specialist ), then he would be preoccupied with Chad. Bro is jacked.

Chad: Stop trying to cook when Im cooking, Evan! And stay away from my lube!

Who even are Evans kids I feel like he has a bunch of women locked up in his freezer.

JoJo : There are things about Evan that I like. like what !? His stupid goatee?

Omg why would she devote Evan the rose, doesnt she know how this prove works? Perhaps she needs a gay bestie.
Evan: Hey kids guess what? Daddy made out with JoJo this is an actual quote that induced us immediately gag.

After Chad sees out Evan got the rose he ACTUALLY runs

UGH I cant. I LOVE CHAD. Except were going to be laughing at his amazing quotes until he kills someone with his bare hands.

Chad : No girl on planet earth chooses Evan for anything other than to sweep their front yard. huh?

Chad requires his own indicate but not as a Bachelor, maybe a casting member of. But he will definitely be on and I cant wait.

Omg they got a security guard, what is this, the Green Mile? Chad could totally take that guy btw.

Entire house : You’re a mean daughter Chad, you’re a bitch!

DATE WITH JAMES

James : When I was younger I had big ears and a long neck.
JoJo: Ew

Aw James is actually kind of cute and has a good voice.

This date is boring but there was a flashing mob. Who wouldve guessed everyone at this school is a professional dancer ?!?

ROSE CEREMONY/ POOL PARTY

Chad and Daniel sit down and have a v. intellectual conversation.
Daniel: Lets feign youre Hitler
Chad : Lets not pretend Im Hitler.

Meanwhile, Chad is eating a yam whole.

Canadians have an interesting view of the US and history 😛 TAGEND Daniel to Chad : Lets say you’re like Hitler or Donald Trump. If I hang out with you it’s going to stimulate me look bad. So perhaps don’t be so much like Hitler be more like Mussolini, Bushlike, don’t kill EVERYONE in the house, maybe just rape them, you know?

Chad: I know what she probably appears in a bikini like I can see through her dress.

Can we all take a moment and appreciate his name is CHAD.

After Evan tattletales on Chad, Chris suggests to Chad that he needs to make peace with everyone and that ABC takes violence very seriously.

Five minutes later: Chad assassinations Evan.

TO BE CONTINUED.

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