Real Homemakers Of New Jersey Recap: Dedicating HGTV A Run For Their Money

Another weekend gone, another episode of. Maybe thats why I dislike on this demonstrate so much It represents my ass having to wake up and go to work. Or maybe its because no ones screamed prostitution prostitute or been indicted of any felonies this season. They genuinely did set the bar a little high. But whatever. This is what weve get. At least it get more exciting last week. Keep it up, Jerseyans. And yes, thats what theyre called. I Googled it.

We kick shit off at Dolores house and were still renovating. I feel like this is going to be a season-long thing. D get pissed because Frank decided to merely resurface the cabinets instead of gutting the whole kitchen. Why tf does your ex husband get a say in this? This is your fucking home. Your relationship, I guess.

D and Siggy head to Jacquelines house and Im betting my trust fund theyre gonna talk about the semi-fight that went down between her and Tre last episode. Shock of the fucking centuryIm right. What else is new?

Jacqueline rehashes the whole battle in a voice thats almost as riling as Teresas, which is mind-blowing in and of itself. Bravo starts doing that thing where they go from back and forth between households and between this and the shrieking voice and my glass of Whispering Angel, I feel a migraine coming on. Thanks, Andy Cohen. Melissa is telling her caveman husband that Jacqueline was out of line for trying to pit him against his own sister, and I concur. So theyre gonna get lunch to discuss.

Over at Teresas, shes still doing yoga. We fucking get onto already. Youre fit and Zen post-lockup. Side note: Are those cheetah print sheets on their master bed? Jesus fucking Christ. I say this every episode but the Jersey-ness is making me nauseous. Back to the episode Its a big day at the Giudice house. Tre gets to take her ankle bracelet off. Mazel tov! I couldnt relate to these people less if I tried.

Its time for Jacqueline and Melissas lunch. Maintain the drama coming. They dive right into it. I mean damn. Jacqueline is like screaming in this restaurant rn.

Jacqueline: I dont have to go to “youre talking to” your spouse. Ima go straight to the source. Ive done so much for your family!

Have you? I dont really remember, tbh. But thats not ringing any buzzers. Melissas simply kinda like what-the fuck-ever. And thats all. Seemed real abrupt if “youre asking me”, but this ros might be getting to my head.

I can tell were going to Siggys house because theres some Jewish wedding music playing after a commercial infringe and Sigs is the only non-Italian Jew on this prove. Subtle, Bravo. Sigs house is immaculate. Not even a hint of leopard. Can we just film all of the scenes here instead of the rest of these gaudy-ass houses? Her mothers show up and start talking about their heritage and Siggys bratty kids. Ugh I forgot about them. The rents suggest Jewish traditions to bring the family back together. Its worth a shot I suppose.

At Jacquelines, Ashlee and her boyfriend are over for dinner. They talk about living together and the convo turns to marriage and pregnancy so naturally BF looks like hes about to fucking bolt. Jacqueline pulls him aside like its an episode of The Bachelor. He wants to take Jacqueline to help him pick out an engagement ring, which is sweet. Im glad Ashlee got her shit together. It was touch and go there for a little while. You did it!

Melissa and Joe Gorga head to Tres for dinner. Teresa says she wants an edamamelike, one singular edamame? Turns out, she means an enema. LOL. Words are hard. Theyre there for about two fucking seconds before we start talking back the Teresa and Jacqueline argument. Goddamn, yall are some petty bitches. Move on. It wasnt even a big deal. There are much bigger things to worry about. Such as going to prison and shit.

Meanwhile, Dolores is still renovating her house. Since when did this become HGTV? Frank shows up, and I feel like D hangs out with her ex a lot more than whats normal. I get it. They have kids. But like, does he have a fucking home? Hes literally always there. But fine. Dolores am willing to knock out a wall, which, after hours of watching this afternoon, I fully support. It really opens up the space. Frank pitches a bitch fit for a sec because thats gonna get expensive, but then caves. That a route, D.

Siggy took her mothers advice and hosts Kiddish at her house in attempt to induce her kids less asshole-y. Ive got high hopes, but low expectations.

Zen Tre decides shes also Dr. Tre and hosts a therapy conference where everyone in the fam writes down their feelings. This ought to be good. I cant imagine Joe is too good with terms, but I dont wanna stereotype. It backfires when Milania sets her mothers on blast.

Milania : I dont like it when my dad calls me fat, especially since hes fat af too. Mom doesnt get me. She never listens to me because shes always on her phone.

Damn. Parents of the fucking year over here. Youd suppose after being away from your kids for a year, youd wanna shivering with them. But like, I bet you missed Twitter too, so I get it. Gia pretty much says the same shit, except she also tells her mama she overreacts, to which, Teresa shockingly overreacts.

Were back at Siggys and, despite Kiddish, her kids are still little shits. Send them down to Georgia, Sigs. An hour with my grandparents and theyll be fucking angels.

Its Milanias bday so in true Jersey fashion, they get a pink Hummer limo. They go to this place called iFly where breeze gusts make you fly or something. Idk. I dont enjoy any kind of physical activity besides wine tastings, so it looks like my worst fucking nightmare, but the kids look like theyre having fun. Teresas phone is nowhere in sight, for the record.

Jacqueline and BF run ring shopping and have a really emotional conversation. Couldnt yall have done this in the car on the way over instead of in the actual store? No? Okay. We get a montage of how horrible Ashlee was as a teen. Ahhh, the good ole days.

Were back at iFly, and Milania is talking about her 11 th bday and Joe starts to tear up because he wont be there. This actually constructs me really sad. I mean, hes supposed to be in prison for like four years. Thats a long fucking time when you have young kids. Damn it. Im crying again. Is it only me or is this franchise style sadder than the other Homemakers?

But why be brought to an end? Lets check in on Dolores dying dog while were at it. Bethenny needs to get in with the Jersey dames so I can chuckle a little. We gotta lighten this shit up. Ultimately the sadness aims because Sigs and Jacqueline come over to do some demo. Its probs a good way for them to get out some of that Jersey anger. D gets a bellow from Maz, whos still pissed because she is still not going to work at their piece of shit gym. I dont think she gets how chores go, but what do I know?

Melissa and Tre are having some tea and is about to change Sigs, D, and Melissa have been scheming a girls weekend. Fuck. Yes. Girls weekends= wine and arguments. Teresas on the fence but not really because shes contractually obliged to go to this shit so she agrees. Whats the over/ under on how many times well find Teresa doing downward dog and other fitness shit this trip?

The next day, Teresa gets her volume in the mail. She reads the dedication she wrote to her daughters while lying on her leopard sheets. We get it, Tre. You love your daughters. Just not just as much as your phone.

Her and Joe then start talking about the argument with Jacqueline again, and would you look at that? My bottle of wine is empty right as the episode ends. Until next week

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