Read This If Everyone Has A Boyfriend But You

When everyone has a boyfriend but you, you feel lonely. And not the kind of loneliness that you get from living alone, or choosing to stay in on a Friday, or going to a coffee shop for some quiet read. Its the loneliness that feels like a contagious disease. Like if anyone were to step near you, they would get infected with the toxic air that’s coming off your open meander. But its invisible air from an invisible meander. Because when everyone has a boyfriend but you, you feel concealed. They see your liberty, while meanwhile you ensure a enclosure. Forced into isolation so no one else catches your plague.

When everyone else has a boyfriend, you’re forced to focus on yourself most days and nights. And the focus can lead to scrutiny. And the scrutiny can lead to plain over-exaggeration of your flaws and weaknesses. But no matter how many times you tell yourself it isn’t true, all that matters is that it feels true. You’re the one that got left behind. You’re the one that aimed up alone. It’s easy to draw scientific conclusions from your failed experimentations. You were not enough. You were the one who had to take time to learn and grow. You were the one that had things to figure out alone. Therefore you were the root of the problem. No wonder everyone left.

When everyone has a boyfriend but you, you wonder how it’s possible for two people to consciously engage in dating/ courtship/ love/ matrimony. You wonder how two people can objectively look at their lives and say, Yes, I’d like to induce space for you. You find the chance of someone constructing space for you like a hopeless ideal. Something that simply wont happen. You wonder if you’ll ever be able to even meet someone you can settle for. You hope person will settle for you the style the others didn’t. They couldn’t even settle for you.

When everyone has a boyfriend but you, you spend countless nights reliving all the memories from when you weren’t this alone. You believe, I’ll be happy once someone loves me again. You know thats not true, but it feels that style. And isnt that all that matters? How it feels?

When everyone has a boyfriend but you, you dont run to your telephone the second a yoga class is done to see if he finally returned your text. You dont stare at the screen on Saturday nights, wondering if he is to be able to text you when he gets home from the night out you weren’t invited to. You dont think twice about that photo you want to share. You dont plan your nights based on when he is free. You dont have to make conditional schemes with your friends. I think Im free Thursday, let me check and get back to you.

AKA Let me see if my boyfriend is free, because if I dont make time for us, he certainly wont.

When everyone has a boyfriend but you, you dont have to worry about a consequence of still dividing the holidays. You dont have to deal with the questions from friends about who is spending Thanksgiving where. You get to expend Thanksgiving with their own families, and you dont have to feel guilty or ashamed or compromised.

When everyone has a boyfriend but you, you struggle to fall asleep. But when you do was sleeping, you stay soundly asleep. Because you are where you are supposed to be. Doing what you want to be doing. You always get to do what you want, whenever you want to do it.

When everyone has a boyfriend but you, you breathe a little easier. When everyone has a boyfriend but you, the sad reality is, you probably sobbing less. Because nothing is quite as painful as being completely alone while you hold hands with a hollow ghost. Nothing is as painful as struggle and struggling for real love, while love gazes you in the face and lets you drown. Nothing is as painful as screaming mutely, while you force yourself to numb how you are impression, in hopes that it will attain him stay.

When everyone else has a boyfriend but you, you learn to cherish the moments of sadness. Because youre inducing space for something else. Person else. Someone that will do more than stand next to you. They will BE next to you. They will hold a space for you. Because not everyone that stands next to you will fully be there. And all the nights of loneliness will teach you what it feels like to merely be. To simply be here. To be here now. To be you. To stop numbing. To stop filling your space with person that merely numbs you. Because nothing is as painful as the moment you realize youve been dimming yourself- when you know you are capable of so much light.

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