It’s A Good Day To Start Dismissing People: Your Weekend Horoscopes June 9-11

Well the world hasnt objective so I guess its hour for horoscopes to continue as per usual. Our bad if you followed through on your sign last week and are now in jail. Must be a pretty nice jail if you have the Wi-Fi to read this. Moving on from the horror that was last week, and this week, and really every week since Trump got his tiny, grubby hands on the White House, your weekend horoscopes are all running around the idea of soothing the fuck down. The world may be burning but that doesnt mean we cant all just take a minute to chill and appreciate the luxuries that we wont believe we had access to a mere three years from now when were all wearing red capes and get impregnated by the Paul Ryans of the world.

Too much? Too much.

This weekend, take some time to relax and appreciate the interesting thing in life. Heres how your sign wants you to do it.


This weekend is all about pampering, Aries. As soon as you are able to, head to your nearest Lush and buy every face mask in sight. Head home and revel in the absolute bliss that merely comes from knowing that you’re dewy as a newborn baby. But dont stop there! The only reason you should be leaving the house this weekend is for an appointment that will bring you one step closer to nirvana. Manicures. Pedicures. Massages. Waxes if youre impression brave. Come Monday you should be seeming red carpet ready, and feeling more relaxed than you have since the first grade. Will it all melt away by Tuesday? For sure, but dont let that stop you.


Some people can only genuinely relax when theyre alone in their room with a candle burning and a shitty CW show playing on loop in the background. Regrettably, you are not one of those people, Taurus; “youre feeling” best when surrounded by people you love. Sounds fake, but okay. This weekend, get back to basics with the person or persons that construct you feel like youre at home. If that literally means heading home, go for it. Im sure you can manage 48 hours of peace with your parents before your blood pressure sky rockets. Maybe its merely a close-knit group of friends that maintain you grounded. Again, sounds like far too healthy of a relationship model, but sure lets go with it. Whoever “youre going to” get some peace in your life, try them out and proceed to veg out until your existential dreaded meter is back to somewhat normal.


Nothing soothes down a Gemini like building sure anyone who has wronged them is living in constant, persisting dread. This weekend, put the fear of God in your enemies by showing up at events where you know theyll be in attendance. Stimulate it worse by appearing better than youve ever seemed in your entire life. Dont worry, Im sure theres a 24 -hour cleanse for that. Whatever the event is, dont leave until youve said hello to every single person except the one youre targeting. Circle them like a shark all night and then only disappear. Theres nothing quite like the sense of dread that an Irish Exit leaves in its wake.


This weekend is going to be a 48 -hour reprieve from run, Cancer. This includes, but is not limited to: ignoring emails , not taking calls , not thinking about your incompetent boss, and most importantly , not ceaselessly talking about how much you dislike your job. In other terms, a vacation for you and all your friends as well. At some point it may become tempting opening hours outlook and scour through the 300 emails that corroborate your worst nightmare: you are an adult. Fight this recommend at all costs for many reasons, but largely because all that shit will be waiting for you Monday anyway.


There are plenty of ways to relax, but we all know that the human body favors one method over the remainder. It just so happens that you do as well, Leo. This weekend will be wholly dedicated to the worlds greatest evolutionary advancement: sleep. Cancel everything. Turn off your telephone. Black out the windows. Lay in bed and sleep your cares, your frets, and your appetite away. At some phase, society will tell you its time to wake up. Society is lying. Dont emerge from your hibernation until absolutely necessary, aka Monday morning an hour later than you were supposed to wake up for run. Will you feel rested at the end of it all? Probably not. But youll experience the inner peace that comes from knowing you had a better and less regretful weekend than anyone else you know.


Virgos work best when they have lucidity. It’s really hard to achieve lucidity when you’re hanging onto multiples years’ worth of luggage. This weekend, it’s time to KonMari your life away, Virgo. You’ll never feel more relaxed than the moment after you’ve purged your life of every shitty, unnecessary thing you own. Not only does it make room to buy more, still likely unnecessary things, but it also constructs it super easy to pack up and evacuate once the government autumns and anarchy kicks in. Either way, your house will be Instagram ready at any given moment, and isn’t that what really matters?


A Libra’s favorite way to relax is to let loose in a contained environment. Like yeah, youre going to drink two bottles of wine over the course of two hours, but youre going to do it in sweatpants on your couch. This weekend, fury the working day away from the comfort of your bed. Is there any bliss like get wasted by yourself and watching rom coms? Perfectly not. Is that sad? Maybe, but dont let that stop you. These days we have to take all the simple pleasures we can get, and this weekend its nine glass of vinho verde and a John Hughes movie marathon in absolute solitude. Get ready for peak different levels of relaxation/ Monday morning hangover.


Its time to get the fuck out of town, Scorpio. Nothing says I dont have a care in the world like picking up and leaving without telling a single person. Everyone has Find My Friends, theyll figure it out. But dont worry about that, because this weekend your only fear is getting far away and just focusing on yourself. Remember in the cursed resurgence when Lorelai went on that weird, widened hike and then realized shed been a bitch to her papa nearly her entire life? Thats what were shooting for here, but for the love of God dont go hiking. You can still recover from repressed memories and childhood trauma without sweating on a mountain.


Youre at you most zen when youre feeling healthy and active, Sagittarius. Will I ever understand it? No. But I respect it. Kind of. This weekend, sweat your little heart out and take joy in the fact that youre taking care of both your mental and physical health at the same time. Truly two birds, one stone. AM Yoga, PM Barre, mid-day jogs: youre going to look like a Nike commercial, and youre going to look good doing it. Come Monday, when youre basically ready to enter your first iron human, treat yourself by continuing the streak. Everyone will dislike your glowing complexion and natural energy, and is there really any better motivating than that?


Its time to abandon the tensions and rancor of the burning society we live in and induce your way out into nature, Capricorn. You know who dont grab girls by the pussy? Trees. You know who dont try and ban immigrants from entering our country? The sky. You know where Trump wouldnt be caught dead? Nature. And thus, into nature you go. Take some time to truly appreciate the little bit of the world that hasnt been poisoned yet by the federal government. Now is great timing because it likely wont be there for long.


The superstars have a very simple equation for you this weekend, Aquarius, and its going to be the most blissful weekend of your life. First, clean your room. This sounds counterintuitive to chilling the fuck out, but stay with us. Once your room is spotless, close your doorway. Do not open it for the next 48 hours unless youre venturing out for sustenance. Inside this perfect sanctuary, you will truly find peace. Light a candle. Turn off your phone. Read a book. Binge a reveal. Nap to your heart’s content. Whatever it is, make sure youre doing it alone. Two days of peaceful solitude should be enough time to recharge yourself for the ensuing week of socializing/ reading the news.


Is there anything more soothing than a home cooked snack, Pisces? Impossible, unless youre the one doing the cook. This weekend, seek out the comforts of children by heading home and letting your parents pamper you. These various kinds of ventures to be good when theyre used sparingly, so make the most of it. Let your mommy fill you with more butter-based items than youve had in the past six years. Drink alcohol that cost more than $10. Sleep in sheets that you know for a fact get washed once a week. Let yourself spend two days blissfully in the control of someone else, and then get the hell out come Monday when you realize that living at home isnt all its cracked up to be. Youll know how it works day when your mommy starts asking about her non-existent grandchildren.

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