America is drowning in surplus cheese. What should we do with it all? | Dave Schilling

The excess stock is lowering US costs. But I can think of a few ways to fix that, starting with donating that cheese to people in need

As if we didnt already have enough to worry about, what with the never-ending wars, economic inequality, prejudice, and the latest Drake album being very underwhelming to be honest with you , now I find out we have too much cheese.

According to a report in the Wall Street Journal, the United States has an overwhelming surplus of cheese, enough to equal three extra pounds of the stuff for every person in the country. If thats actually the example, then I eagerly await my share of this glorious bounty. Just ship it over in some dry ice, Obama. This hot tub I just installed in my back yard will make an excellent fondue pot.

The unfortunate dark side of such a situation is that the overproduction of cheese by dairy farmers has tanked the price of their number one product, costing the industry millions of dollars in lost revenue. Michigan dairy farmer Carla Wardin told the Journal that her colleagues plan to deal with the situation by do[ ing] the same thing you milk more cows.

If dairy farmers refuse to stop building cheese, I suppose the only solution to this problem is to quickly, efficiently dispose of the cheese surplus. How are we going to do that? Glad you asked, because I have a few brilliant solutions. In fact, these are so clever that are likely to as well start calling me the Elon Musk of dairy products ๐Ÿ˜› TAGEND

Donate the cheese to the hungry

According to the United Nations World Food Programme, 795 million people on the planet dont have enough food to resulted a healthy life. Thats about two and a half days the population of the US, but theres enough surplus cheese here to give each of those hungry people 1.5 pounds. Even though cheese is not particularly healthy, and some people are lactose intolerant, some cheese is still better than no cheese, which also happens to be my rule at cocktail parties during the passed appetizer period.

All the extra cheese would be gone, dairy farmers could milk cows as much as they pleased, the price of cheese would soar, and the worlds starving mass would be able to enjoy a place of brie that pairs excellently with a glass of pinot noir. There are no losers here.

Of course, thats not what will happen. Here are scenarios far more likely than an act of kindness by the dairy industry ๐Ÿ˜› TAGEND

Dump the cheese in the ocean

Theres already an island of trash in the middle of the Pacific Ocean the size of the state of Texas that no one seems to be bothered by, though theres a decent chance that if Donald Trump procures out about it, hell promise to drop a nuke on it.

Besides the horrific consequence a piling of garbage has on our marine ecosystem, its also not at all edible. You cant feed an island of refuse, but you surely can eat a large, floating mound of cheese. Itll be a great place for cruise ships to stop for a cheesy photo opp. Plus, you can take a hunk of it home, like the Berlin Wall at least until the whole thing meltings and kills all the fish. But hey, think about what that will do to the price of fish! Cash those checks now, folks.

Bake the worlds largest pizza

We havent sent an astronaut to the moon in decades. Infrastructure projects that used to thrill the human rights imagination are now seen as major inconveniences at best, and at the worst, blatant government overreach. New skyscraper height records are met with the sort of shrug usually reserved for the newest Katherine Heigl movie.

Its time to inspire this great nation again. The only thing I can think of that really excites Americans is pizza. Every period Ive considered a mega-pizza delivered to a home or a place of business, people gather around and poke at it with a stick like the monkeys from the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Pizza is the real final frontier, so lets take that cheese and cook the largest pizza of all time.

The Guinness Book of World Records states that the most difficult pie of all time was cooked in Italy in December of 2012 by a human named Dovilio Nardi. It was 1,261.5 square meters 13,580 ft to us Yanks. That this pizza holds the record is shameful.

First of all, its gluten-free. Second, theres no pepperoni , no mushrooms and no buffalo chicken no toppings at all. But the most heinous crime is that the crust is not stuffed. If America made a giant pizza, youd better believe that we would stuff the hell out of that crust. Thered be cheese, bacon, sausage, ranch dressing and if youre lucky, a 2016 Chevy Malibu free to whomever is able to eat their way to it first.

Erect cheese sculptures in every city

If our current reevaluation of former chairmen like Woodrow Wilson and Andrew Jackson are any clue, it is inevitable that every great American we revere now will eventually be found out as a murderer, a sadist or a racist. Why bother going through the tedious process of removing their names from builds, taking them off currency or tearing down their statues? Why not just henceforth build each monument out of cheese? That route, they eventually rot and we have to toss them in a dumpster to get rid of the awful, awful smell of old gruyere. By the time the revelations of anti-social behavior come out, the cheese monument will be long gone.

Shoot it all into the sunshine with a rocket

This would be similar to the scene in Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, when Superman collects all the nuclear weapons on the planet and lunge them into the sun to avert a global holocaust. Except its cheese.

Set it on the moon

In the same vein as the Superman IV solution, I propose we leave the cheese on the moon. It will probably be just fine sitting up there with no oxygen-based microorganisms to rot it. Remember how this is once believed the moon was made of cheese? Well , now it will be. A dreaming no longer deferred.

Whatever we do, though, lets make sure we dont give it all away to someone who needs it. That would be un-American.

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