Safety — it’s not just a stupid dance from the ‘8 0s. It’s also the thing that constantly keeps us from not dying. But since humanity is chock-full of dum-dums, the concept of safety is something that has to be sold to people. Sometimes, though, keeping the public from killing themselves get communicated in batshit crazy styles that are as scarring as death itself.
# 7. “Never Rest” — The British Farm Safety Video Full Of Murder And Ghosts
Farm safety isn’t something you typically hear a lot about, but it’s apparently a big fucking deal in the UK( where everyone is living inside of a Beatrix Potter tale ). So much so that they produced a farm security video for kids titled “Never Rest: A Drama About Farm Safety For Children.” The whole thing sounds sensible, but it plays out like it was written by R.L. Stine’s meth head cousin.
After moving into their family’s new farmhouse, two children immediately discover a grave with the word “Never” awkwardly scrawled above “Rest in Peace” — because even rotting corpses aren’t immune to sick burns. Luckily, the farmhand’s kids are there to explain that the farm is haunted by the ghost of the old man who accidentally murdered his four kids via farm equipment almost a century ago. Which is likely what the realtor entail by “colorful.”
“More people have died here than on Hershel’s farm from Walking Dead . ”
Of course the kids start getting into accidents, just like the old-timey collisions that killed those other four kids. The kids in each timeline are played by the same actors, either implying that there’s some sort of of curse at work here or the producers couldn’t afford to hire more child performers after shelling out for those working sweet sepia-toned shots.
“Are you sure we can’t at the least afford fake blood? ”
One kid hits his head. Another falls off a wagon( a literal wagon; he doesn’t start drinking or anything ). And in one insanely graphic scene, a girl has her goddamn arm ripped off!
“NO, MY BUTTER-CHURNIN’ ARM! ”
There’s no mistaking this for coincidence either, because the movie takes the time to show us the disembodied head of the father of the dead quartet watching these events with the same expres on his face as the audience.
Always order a homebuyer’s report to check for mold or possession before signing any papers .
None of the contemporary kids actually die, though — that is, until the end, when the older girl is hit by her dad’s tractor.
Damn product placement .
While any sane person might expect this grisly shot to lead to some kind of discussion about farm security, followed by a quick expose of the “girls ” cool at the hospital with a broken leg, this movie merely cuts to the haunted gravestone and rolls credits.
The post-credit scene is a time-lapse shot of her decaying corpse .
So the big takeaway here is that there are no precautions you can take against farm-related accidents, because they’re usually caused by angry ghosts? So sure, is moving forward and hang your extremities around big antiquated machinery. Unless you have an exorcist handy, you’re pretty much fucked regardless.
# 6. Ireland’s Road Safety Campaign Is Ridiculously Intense
There are a lot of shitty drivers out there, some of them one flamethrowing guitar player away from being Mad Max rogues. So road safety is naturally an important issue for everyone. A commercial from Northern Ireland set out to rectify the outbreak of asshole drivers. The outcome? It was banned from playing before 9 p. m ., because … well, you’ll see.
The commercial starts with a group of cute kids at school, one of whom is playing with a doll vehicle — setting up a cruelly ironic twist while also showing how much Pixar has brainwashed our kids into a future of fossil fuel reliance.
“Lightning McQueen likes you, kid. Your death shall be quick and painless.”
We then see a douchebag who’s in such a rush that he can’t even be bothered to eat his toast off a plate. Goddamned monster.
Nothing he could ever do would be worse than this .
It cuts between the kids’ nauseatingly idyllic playtime and toast guy driving his car. Also, this is all set to an acoustic cover of Sweet Child O’ Mine , which some ad exec probably mistook for a nice ballad about kids, and not Axl Rose’s ode to the woman he was abusing.
Prepare to witness much, much more than an ounce of pain .
The whole thing plays out like a run-of-the-mill vehicle commercial — that is, until the driver loses control of his auto, maybe because the kid wielding the identical toy car is some kind of Omen -esque demon child.
So the moral isn’t “Be a safe driver, ” so much as it’s “Don’t be the Antichrist.”
The car flips over, crushing the kids before any of them get the chance to say “Zoom Zoom.”
* splat splat *
Forget about how pants-shittingly frightening it was for audiences to watch graphic child-killing between Irish game show segments, and think for a minute about the poor visual impacts artists. Imagine spending years of education learning how to attain kickass CG images, and instead of landing a undertaking with ILM, you expend ten hours a day making a class of children looking as realistically flattened as is practicable. Congratulations! You’re maintaining Ireland safe.
# 5. This 1950 s Safety Manual Is Brimming With Nightmares
This “Official Safety Manual” from the 1950 s had the cheery title “It’s Great to be Alive! ” Presumably because “Being Dead is a Motherfucker! ” was too much of a downer.
On the other hand , none of those kids will have to worry about homework ever again .
Despite its upbeat title, the pamphlet is pretty grim. Not merely do we get playful drawings of kids getting into accidents, but helpful captions explain how the accidents will ruin their lives.
“I swear, Phil. If you make five or six more kids, we’re going to have to seriously consider taking away your license.”
Then there are the draws of kids actually being killed. If any weirdos wondered what a cross between a snuff movie and a Bazooka Joe comic would look like, here’s a panel where a truck operates over a kid in a leaf pile.
The moral: Fuck raking .
Then there’s the one in which someone is dragged underneath a train and “killed instantly” because his intellect was “on the game” — a reference to a sporting event, sadly not implies that the future writer of those books about picking up women will be run over by a train.
If he was a Browns fan, this is actually a better fate .
# 4. The Rubbers Friend — The Sex Education Comic With No Sex Or Education
For some reason, someone thought that comic books were a good way to promote safe sexuality — despite the fact that most people read comic book because sex isn’t truly on the table. One AIDS-related comic in the ‘8 0s was The Rubbers Brothers . If the phrase “AIDS-related comic” wasn’t enough to stimulate you shut down your browser, keep reading!
“Send five bucks and we’ll mail you another volume that might actually teach you something! ”
In The Rubbers Brother , two anthropomorphic condoms are big stars on some kind of prophylactic vaudeville circuit. Like Abbott and Costello, if Abbott and Costello left giant puddles of semen behind them everywhere they went.
“Who’s In First? ”
Bizarrely, a lot of the comic is devoted to the backstage bickering of the two showmen, like if Neil Simon wrote The Sunshine Boys , but for talking birth control devices.
Broken records sure are riling. As are broken condoms — not that this comic ever tells you that .
Then the more dickish( pun not intended) of the two condoms pushes the other into the lavatory, because for some reason, there’s a giant lavatory backstage at the talking condom show.
Marking the first time person requested a condom for hand stuff .
The comic even features an educational game — but instead of teaching safe sex, it’s all about nutrition, because why not? We might as well drink fully from the cup of madness at this point. And who better to teach your kids about a balanced diet than a condom with a goddamned face.
“Remember to always save a few cases carrots and bananas, in case your boyfriend forgot the Trojans.”
The Rubbers Brother end up taking a road journey, during which they bicker like an old married couple and get pulled over by a cop.
Also, you’re sick if you use a condom, apparently. Lesson learned ?
Then they’re assaulted by some kind of mutant testicle creature.
Wait, why does the testicle have an ass ?
So … take that, AIDS! Jesus, trying to win the war against sex ignorance with this comic would be like storming the beaches of Normandy armed with a sofa cushion.
Of course they’d make a connect-the-dots that looks like this. OF COURSE .
Read more: www.cracked.com