4 B-List X-Men Whose Powers Have Really Stupid Implications

The first comic I ever bought comes within the framework of an X-Men crossover back in the working day called “X-Cutioner’s Song” because if it don’t have an X in it, then who dedicates a shit? I’ve been reading X-titles since sometime in the 90 s and human, are there a lot of them. Over the years, the original Uncanny X-Men comic has spawned X-Men , X-Men: Gold , X-Men: Blue , X-Factor , X-Force , Generation X , Excalibur , X-Man , X-Men 2099 , XMxexnx , and perhaps 100 or so others. And sprinkled throughout those titles are a buttload of mutants who, to put it simply, aren’t precisely Wolverine. Some of these characters were clearly written at 4 a.m. before a 9 a. m. deadline after a wicked Robitussin bender, and their powers truly show it.

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Husk

Husk is the sister of a different X-Man you’ve never heard of and is gifted with the awesome power of gross. To set a slightly finer point on it, the mutant Husk is able to shed her skin like a snake and disclose a new body beneath that could be made of stone or steel or whatever seems like these kinds of thing a superhero could use at the moment. And stone or steel superheroes have a long, proud tradition. Just look at classics like The Thing and Colossus. Then look back at Husk who, unlike them, leaves a gross, sloppy mess of herself on the ground every time she use her power.

You can ignore the caloric content needed to constantly make an actual lady-suit of your flesh and instead only focus on the facts of the case that it exists at all. Every time she employs her power, she must be leaving several pounds of loose skin on the ground. And since she wears a costume, she either needs to drop-off trou to fully untangle herself, or she’s picking pieces like errant scabs and tossing them about.

Husk also does the process in reverse, so say she makes herself into a ham hero, then the fight against low cholesterol is done and she wants to turn back into a woman, she drops her ham straw on the ground, too. And in this single, fictional scenario I just made up, this is awesome because then everyone gets to have ham. But on the other hand, since we’re only building shit up now, she could have just as easily turned herself into an olive and then leave an olive straw and who the fuck wants that? Now you have a The Silence Of The Lambs woman-skin suit laying around, plus like 5’6″ of olive, too? No thanks.

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Marrow

Marrow has a fairly long history with the X-Men and has bounced from villain to hero over the years because every character’s story arc does that at some point in time. And why not? Her mutant power is bone spurs. She has a lot of jagged, pointy bits and she can break them off and throw them at people, or stab your shit when you’re busy making a sandwich, or whatever you want to do with a jagged bone you transgressed off your own shoulder, actually. Use your imagination.

It’s half creepy and half cool, I suppose, to suggest that you can grow your own weapons at the cost of what must be a crazy, calcium-rich diet, but never mind all that. Just take a look at poor, pointy Marrow and, maintaining her in intellect, meditate my cat.

I have this cat that sucks at not ruining things. She’s all up in my shit all the time. You know when cats get on you, and they start kneading you like your guts are a ball of dough and she’s super intent on attaining pizza tonight? Does that all the time, and “the worlds biggest” problem is she tears the shit out of my shirts( and blankets, and the sofa) because she sticks to them. And then she’ll have this oafish look on her face as she vainly tries to pull her paw away and that one claw is stick and, in a cat’s head, that just means pull harder until it hurts more. It’s a sad display at the best of times, and happens pretty much within 20 minutes of her getting her nails trimmed. Now look back at Marrow.

How is Marrow ever not sticking to your sofa? A sweater on a cold day? How is she not getting stuck arbitrarily in door jambs and constantly ruining her own sheets and mattress? Every time she runs into battles, she’s going to have stray hairs and bits of fabric flapping like flaccid, lame flags in the breeze. She’s basically the thistle of the Marvel universe.

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Strong Guy

Strong Guy looks like a giant newborn and I have no idea why. Of equal but unrelated note is what builds Strong Guy such a strong guy( hint: It’s not just his prowess at coming up with nicknames ). Strong Guy has the ability to absorbs and redirect kinetic energy. So if you punch him, he’s going to not feel it so much as he’s gonna take your punch energy and double punch your ass back with it. Voices nearly cool when I intentionally set up my joke by cherry picking points.

Comicvine

The problem with Strong Guy’s power is that he MUST redirect the energy. In fact, according to the arbitrary rules of comicdom, he has about 90 seconds to redirect that energy or else it literally disfigures his body. Now, in a fight , no big deal. You kick him, he boots you across a field. But that’s not the only period your body is subject to being hit by kinetic energies.

For instance, say Strong Guy eats a bunch of slightly expired chili plus a whole hell of a lot of cheese and bran muffins. The resulting shit brick that is going to try to work its way out has to exert force-out against Strong Guy’s back entrance which has meant that he’s likely, literally, going to have to shoot that turd out of his ass. His mutant power is going to force-out his ass to expel a deuce missile with some remarkable power. This guy can probably never not destroy a lavatory unless it’s one of those stainless steel ones, and that’s a hell of a burden to be saddled with.

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Longneck

Motherfucker, imagine the balls on this kid. You’re not going to notice his balls, because he has a long neck, hence the clever moniker, but Longneck must have titan balls. Longneck’s balls is necessary the kind of balls that cause the keys in your pocket to jostle ever so slightly where reference is walks past. Their incredible mass is such a force to be reckoned with that, like a small moon or burgeoning black hole, they actually have an effect on less massive items in their proximity. I say this only because what kind of fucking sociopathic brute, devoid of all self-awareness, would dare claim to be an X-Man, a goddamn superhero in a world where aliens and beings older than time who are capable of rending whole worlds in half, sometimes with their bare hands, when his power is having a long neck?

Comicvine

What the fucking does the word “power” even entailed when your power is having a long neck? You know what my power is? I ate a cheese sandwich earlier. My cat has a power, too: She’s not in Denver. You can’t only have a verb in a sentence near some kind of a noun and say that’s a power. Has long neck? Has long neck ? Jesus Christ, big shooter, you don’t have a power, “youve got a problem” sitting in compact cars.

Longneck’s would-be power is actually the most damaging of all the powers I’ve been able to discover in terms of what it connotes about the very notion of a universe in which superheroes exist. Sure, the Hulk has strength commensurate with his fury, and if his rage is boundless, he technically has limitless power and could destroy all things in creation based on that logic, and that’s fucked up. Longneck has a goddamn long neck. Do you assure the problem here? It’s his power. He’s a mutant. He has the mutant X-gene that manifested itself by making him a nuisance if he’s in front of you at the movies. What the hell isn’t a power if that’s a power? If you fart in a wind storm and somehow the smell seems to not go away, you’re a mutant now. You’re the newest X-Man Waft, whose ass explosion linger like unwanted houseguests after a party. Can you stop peeing without utilizing your hand to pinch it off? Welcome to the team, Hydrant. Run get your uniform from Beast.

If everything is a power then it cheapens the very idea of powers at all. And sure, Longneck did nothing in the comics, at all, ever, but he was still an X-Man. He got to be there. He’s the ultimate participation awarding, and that merely sucks so hard.

Ian’s mutant power is being awesome at Twitter . Go assure .

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